Fear

Fear. What an interesting emotional state that can be. Even when it is indescribable and instinctive; you hear a klaxon horn for the first time in your life and you just know something frightening's about to happen. You see a predator of some kind and you let yourself freeze on the spot and just hope it goes away, too afraid to move. You hear the word rape and you feel a shiver down your spine, even if you don't know the victim.

Everyone can relate in the fact that they fear something. Sometimes its trivial, sometimes is stems from a tragedy one had to endure. But the point stands; you fear it. You let it have a power over you that you scarcely let anything have. You try to hide it so you don't get picked on by people just as afraid as you are, but that just adds more fear to worry about. You even find yourself fearing something's going to happen so much, you end up causing it to happen yourself; "One often meets his destiny on the road he takes to avoid it", I once heard a wise tortious tell a red panda.

Do I have fears? Yes. I have a pathological fear of water, but mostly in the forms of rivers, lakes and the ocean. I use to be afraid of the bath until my mother put bubble bath in it. Might be because of the time I fell in that river when I was a kid, but I just freeze up when too close to water for comfort. The pathological part comes in the fact that I love Aquariums, I love aquatic life (I watched Octonauts with my sister!), and I enjoy walking down the Embankment to relax. Though, I still like to hold someone's hand when in the underwater walkthrough when at an Aquarium.

I'm also terrified of wasps, due to their unpredictability and the fact they will sting you just for fun (or so I tell myself). You see me and a wasp together, you can guarantee I'll be running 5 miles the other direction in one second flat. Indeed, while I shed a metaphorical tear at any unnecessary lose of life, when it comes to wasps, the most you'll get from me is a disappointed sigh.

My final pathological fear is of cancer. While I do not fear the inevitability of death, I doubt I would be human if I did not fear it in some form, and cancer is the form it takes. The silent killer that takes its time, I usually end going to the Doctors 3 times a year the second some abnormality is found on my person.

Apart from that, my fears are usually more complex in nature. One of my biggest is the loss of control over my body. I have Dyspraxia, a neurological disorder that "affects planning of movements and co-ordination as a result of brain messages not being accurately transmitted to the body", and sometimes my hands just move without me telling them too. As such, I fear the dyspraxia might grow inside me until I can't control it anymore, or develop into ALS, which would severely limit my mobility as a whole.

Loss of identity is also a big fear of mine; its one of the main reasons why I can't stand the idea of Zombies and Cybermen. They don't kill you, they just make like them and force you to live with no sense of self and no recollection of your past, meaning you end up a threat to everyone you loved in life. "Another Brick in the Wall", as it were.

And one fear I've kept secret for far too long; I'm afraid of falling in love. Growing up, I saw a lot of relationships fail. My parents. My biological parent. One of them didn't even make it to the wedding after the proposal (something they chose to blame me and my sister for). My grandparents, and even my beloved uncle, are also divorced. The only happy marriage that I know about in my family seems to be the one based on little contact, and even then you hear things that put doubt in that fantasy. Not exactly an encouraging lot of role models for marriage. But, then again, perhaps I think I don't even deserve to be loved, especially since one of the two people I grave love from, in a instinctual sort of way, doesn't seem to return the affection. I don't think I even believe in it. And even if I did, I've build myself a cage of solitude out of my desire to not be dependent on anyone after almost a lifetime of being let down by others; three people in particular. So, even if I were to find someone to love me, I'd be too afraid of being vulnerable to let them in, to afraid they'll try to change me like so many others have, and so afraid I end up self-sabotaging things just to avoid the hurt, but still hurting myself either way.

If I'm being truly honest, I fear I'll grow up to be like my biological parent; old, alone, forsaken, forgotten...

But, there's no shame in being afraid; the real shame is letting your fear dominate and isolate you until you can't even leave your bed. Don't try to hide your fear to look brave; in some cases "bravery" is just another word for "recklessness". Don't be "brave", be "courageous", for, to quote Maya Angelou; "without courage, we cannot practice any other virtue with consistency. We can't be kind, true, merciful, generous, or honest."

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